I read or heard somewhere that if you have something bothering you, it can help to write it down. I don't like writing in the conventional sense with a pen and paper, but can cope with a PC.

I need to unload some stuff to see if it will stop bothering me. At 52 years old I shouldn't feel like I do. I don't feel good a lot of the time. Mentally and emotionally mainly, and to test the theory in paragrapgh 1 I have created this blog to see if I can exorcise some of these issues.

I really have nothing to complain about. I have the most wonderful wife, a delightful son (a rascal at times but Hey!), a pretty nice house in a nice area, company car, a couple of "big boys toys" and a job that pays pretty well. What more could I want? Nothing on the face of it and I don't think I am wanting anything extra, I just want to get rid of this black cloud that seems to follow me! Am I suffering depression? Maybe. My theory is that over the years some of the things I have done have come back to haunt me with guilt, some of the things that have been done to me have come back to glote and this all coupled with the loss of my parents, aunt and cousin quite recently.

The annoying thing is this is only what everyone else has to deal with and is way less severe than some poor folk face every day.

To be continued.

Things I'm Not Pleased I Did

At infants school, i wrote a mean note to another kid. I guess I was 5. I hid it in his desk. He gave it to the teacher who somehow new it was me. I don't know why I wrote the note but to this day i remeber what I said. Weird. Anyway, sorry Nick B.

At junior school for some reason I started to pick on and bully another lad. I don't know why. Luckily he told his parents who confronted me at the school gate. This prompted me to stop thankfully. Sorry Alec W.

At the same school, I got bullied as well but i cannot recall if it was after or before Alec. i was considered a bit posh by my peers as my dad was a successful businessman. I think my current refusal to lose my temper and that I always walk away from confrontation comes from a very few times when I "lost it". The first was at playtime. I was in the queue for the water fountain when another boy tried to jump the queue and push me away. I tried to regain my position by asking him to move back. He shoved me and thats when i did lose it. I beat him and had to be pulled off him. After that incident the bullying stopped.

My mates and i used to be able to play in the street on our bikes. I guess at about age 10, we used to have some old army hats. Another boy took one of my friends hats and cycled off. I went off to try and get it back, but the boy didn't want to surrender it. I lost it again and hit him hard.

At secondary school, again i got bullied a bit and would not respond. Again, I was seen as bit posh and something of a wimp. It happened again over some trivial matter. I ended up scrapping with this lad and during the tussle, pushed him into a glass panel. Fortunately the breaking glass did not injure him and somehow the teachers didn't find out it was me.

At 16 i discovered motorycycles and at 18 was playing at being a "Hells Angel". I was at a party at a house in a rough part of town. I had drunk a fair bit and had probably had a "smoke" by then as well. I wandered into a bedroom to be confronted by a crying toddler in a cot. The child had no nappy on, the place was filthy and it had pooed and weed all over the plastic mattress. I still have an image of the scene in my minds eye. It was the "hosts" child. I again "lost it" and went off looking for the parents to have a go at. On the way I was lashing out at people and things. Could be just classed a drunken rage but it has always bothered me. Fortunately some friends that were also at the party restrained me before i did any real damage or got myself in real trouble.

There has only been one more agressive incident, 33 years ago.

To be continued.